What I need to understand…or better said, what is really hard to understand is that God doesn’t leave me even if I fail him and make mistakes. And even if they are really bad. I had the most terrible feeling lately. I did so great mistakes. Two times I could have confessed God and help people but I was disobedient.
It’s so out of my head that God still loves me and heads on the way. I’m still on the same track. I just can’t measure such grace. It’s incredible.
I really felt that all my old mistakes rose up again. My stupid tendency to fear rejection. And then to do everything to be recognized and accepted. I just learned that I have a resting seat next to Jesus. And He sits there and rules over power of death. And He rests on that mercy seat and reigns powerfully. So I’m invited to sit next to Him and rest.
And I have to fight not to step out of that seat. Cause I will be confronted with my sin and my failure and people and everything and they will call me to leave the place and deal with the problems. But I won’t. Cause He already has dealt with them.
And now this is faith.
And hope is to know that my problems will be solved, cause He dealt with it.
And love is that I know He’ll deal with it, because He just loves me so much.
And now with all this in mind I know He has made a way for you. I’m hopeful, I have faith and joy, I trust, and I enjoy His love. And so I can give. I want to sow so that I can reap.
Nothing is perfect.
But everything is fueled by love.
I never expected that. How we can lie to ourselves and not even notice it!
There I was crying tears and the words left my mouth – uncontrolled – „I just can’t believe you want me!“
It’s true.
I really can’t.
I just talked to a friend of mine about my great ability to play the perfect role. Oh, I’m so good at that. I figure out what people need and want to hear, and how I can gain their acceptance. It’s like I’m willing to sacrifice myself to make others happy, to find out what they want so that they might just like me. And the truth is I’m not able to lose control anymore.
I can’t let go.
And there I was screaming „if you want me, take me!“
I really wished. I wished He’d want me. I know He does. He does. I will change for the better. I’ll feel so different. My whole being will be wrapped up in His acceptance. We just have to understand the power of His love.
His love is light. And light is produced by a colour spectrum.
So we can understand the different aspects of His love by (also) thinking about colors.
Red is a fierce passion. The one that was stronger than Jesus‘ fear of death and torture. It made Him unstoppable. It’s what makes others great warriors. We need to fight for love. For life. For value. We need to be passionate about those things. Red calls out the warrior in us. It calls us to sacrifice. It’s when our fire starts to be erased – we stand up and fight and keep the flame alive. It calls us to be a living sacrifice. Our heart pours out for the good of others.
Purple means compassion. The way you care for others. Gentleness, intimacy and fragrance. It’s also the beauty of being known and wanted by others. By God 🙂 It comes also with peace and rest. It’s a meak spirit. Quiet and gentle. Caring.Understanding. Strangely enough it also means royalty.
I love blue. Blue calls out the prophet in you. It’s the water of the Holy Spirit that washes over you. And it brings truth. It cleanses you and makes you pure. It also reminds us of the opened up heaven – grace and rain of blessing.
Oh and then there is green! Hope! Flourishing. Well being. I love it because it describes a principle of the world that we’ve long forgotten. We don’t need to exhaust ourselves and control everything because God provides prosperity and fruit and restoration. We don‘ t need to fight to get the result. It will grow simply because God says so.
Then there is brown. The counterfeit of idolatry. It means becoming human in it’s original sense. We so often strive to be someone in this world, to be recognized, to have titles and posessions. We want to be like an idol and we lose our sense of being human. Being human is wonderful. It comes also with humility. It starts with having a contrite heart.
Yellooow! =) Joy, celebration and love. It provides strength (the joy of the Lord is our strength). Enjoy life. Enjoy God. Yourself and others. Be happy – God loves to laugh.
Oh yes. I love it when I’m stuck in a mental crisis and I wonder if I’ll ever see through this and I don’t know how to break out – and then – babam. Proves that even in small things God is so powerful. I just can’t believe how much I underestimate Him daily. I feel so ashamed.
I had an uncomfortable conversation yesterday. He was kind of mad at me. It seemed he didn’t understand me or wanted me to go his way and I just felt pushed, controlled and unloved. Again I could ask why it bothers me that much. I don’t know. It just does. Anyway.
The whole time yesterday I was just drowning back into my old patterns. Gosh, how I hate it. I feel so small and yes, even unwanted. I know and I’m told thousand times that I’m not. But my heart just won’t listen.
In my mind I made it clear to myself that only the God of Light can carry my heart out of that dark crisis.
And He did.
Now I see things as clear…I just shouldn’t expect people to care and to understand and to love for – even if some of them really do – noone will ever satisfy me. Only God can. To wait for people to solve your inner problems is selfish at the core. God’s love calls you to selflessness.
It’s not about chasing others and their acceptance but about overcoming your fear with love, and the darkness with the light inside of you, and the evil thoughts around you with good ones.
I had another enlightenment: If Y.O.U. are the center of it all you will always judge people who are different than you. Given that you are rich and you have manners and you are healthy and you really like yourself. Then you meet a person who is poor, unpolite and even sick – will you disguise that one person because the way you are is the center of the universe?
Or is it love? And is love including everyone?
We shouldn’t be focussed just on ourselves.
We should be focussed on love and give ourselves away.
I love it.
Freedom calls.
Finally. I had the strangest dream ever. Erwin McManus visited our town and preached somewhere (in the building where Bill Wilson used to preach a couple of weeks ago). His speech was…outreagous. He was going wild. His sermon was combined with a dancing show. He almost screamed that we’re supposed to be free – outlining that we’re robbed of our freedom, since everyone wants something and pushes us and tries to control us. The dancers around him pressed hard on him and underlined his words. He then screamed we’re still free through Jesus. What a weird dream. He drank some water – explaining that Jesus gives us eternal water and life – and the guys around him let off.
Well, the people around me went wild. It was almost scarry. The screamed, whined and cried and tried to climb up to the stage – where Erwin stood confused. It was a weird dream.
But now I’m thinking: maybe this is an ongoing process within my soul lately.
Running free.
The past few days I was confronted with a lot of things that capture me.
Now I’m here. Pretty exhausted. Actually the Spirit of God is freedom. Where we are enslaved we are not in the power of the Spirit.
I get the theory.
I realized that I always try to do it right. Please everyone. Figure out what kind of outcome people what expect (or God) and what I want to achieve and then I run into obsession.
It’s not freedom. It’s nothing. No love. Just obsession.
If I do sports I do it first one time a week, than two times, three times and then I think: If I would just do more, it would be better. I think: „You’re a loser if you settle for less.“ And I become obsessed.
If I like a guy I don’t just like Him. He becomes the center of my existence.
What happens is that I get lost. I drown. I lose myself in obsession. In controlling myself and things around me.
It’s a bad symbiosis.
But when we live, we should fight and live for freedom. We tend to live out of obligation rather than being thrilled with opportunity. The gospel is wooing for the deepest core of our being. Trying to seperate us from the world and its enslavement, so that we might break free and live with passion and become ourselves.
I need wisdom.
I have to admit, I’m a pretty poor mass product of a the whole christian fabrication thing. I’m raised under religious thoughts and my friends – most of them – are so called christians.
But sometimes I wonder what is christanity all about?
We have such a great resumee for our beliefs, statements, great thoughts and theories.
Now I need to embrace the fact that I shouldn’t condemn christians for being and living just ordinary, happening to have extraordinary thoughts – I’m part of that tribe.
It reminds me to the movie ‚braveheart‘.
It’s like I’m part of the scots men who claim to have power and influence. They are the owner of the land. But they care just about themselves. It’s like I’ve been raised in the world where they teach you to behave correctly because you’re entitled as a christian…and mind the pedestrians for they are wild and without manners. Go for your title in heaven. It’s about saved or not being saved. About being right or being wrong. Make sure you have the right title.
Mind the pedestrians.
I’m so ashamed of what Christianity has become. Even worse: of what I have become.
Now Jesus is like Wallace – the wild hero with blazing eyes: obsessed with freedom, the dream of harmony and relationship, family, and an established kingdom of joy and laughter. He’s everything but religious.
And here I stand. Totally confused about my frontiers.
Maybe now I’m a little bit like Robert the Bruce. Attached by the blazing eyes. The wind that seems to rush out of every word He speaks. He’s passionate. He’s free.
But it’s so uncertain. It’s not the path I was trained to run. It’s different. It’s freedom. It’s passion. And it’s about people.
In summary: it’s about love.
And it confuses me.
It seems that’s all there is.
No further formula needed. No concordance needed.
About love. About the issues of the heart. About relationship.
About me. About you. And about how it’s all interconnected.
About going to battle armed with faith, love and hope.
Just like a wild man.
Where’s my call?
Where do I need to stand up?
I have to admit…I feel so small and diminished. Broken and enslaved. I really do. I have such bad relational issues.
Noone understands…that’s my impression. Hardly the christians. They expect you to smile and raise your hands to worship even when your heart is in dispair. Is it just they are too afraid of talking to someone who has issues?
Now I think God calls me first and all to one thing: love!
Love people. Don’t mind if they are religious. It doesn’t matter to Him. Still they are His beloved children (like everyone else by the way – that’s another point…WHHYY do christians claim God only cares for THEM, only forgives and loves THEM – that’s so not true!! Where did we get that??)
I realized I’m enslaved to obligation and the law. When I shouldn’t.
You might be enslaved to anything – the only thing that will set you free is pure love.
Now God loves you as He loves everyone around you.
What does that mean to you?
Does it change you?
Who are you?
And who are you to become?
What passion rises up in your heart when looking into the eyes of the wild hero?
I hate religion.
But I’m in desperate need for a communion that shares abundant love.
There’s so much things I don’t understand yet. How shall I be committed to church when its constantly pressing to hard work, sometimes even self-indulgency, prideful power or else? I heard a sermon. It said we spend most of our time focussing on the effect, rather than on the cause.
So we want to be rich and successful but we’re lazy and greedy. We want people to change but we’re refusing to love them.
Now what is my dream?
Gosh, it seams I have lost it along the way. When hope is buried I think so are our dreams.
It’s now behind a fog of disbelief.
What is my commitment to church?
Man, I find it so hard to see through.
What are the effects I want to see in my life? So what cause do I have to embrace?
I love being creative and working with emotions and pictures and visuals.
I think of another thought that needs to be addressed here.
What are my idols?
I think we human beings have the tendency to sacrifice things for idols. I mean, if we idolize beauty, we’re willing to sacrifice health – if health is nothing we value and worship.
Our idols can be wealth, power, success and other things. Some of those things might not be bad to adore and cherish, but they are not worthy of sacrifice. If we think they are we sacrifice relationships and love to live up to our idols.
I realized that I tend to idealize people. If I then find failure I’m disappointed and I give up on love.
If we idealize people, we’re actually idealizing a picture. We construct a picture, that we’ve created in our own minds. It’s the picture of what we know and what we like – and it includes things we don’t know and don’t like. Our picture, our idol, is limited and doesn’t include all humanity. It just allows some of them to gain your respect of worship and sympathy.
Ich fürchte die Welt unserer Herzen ist so endlos kompliziert, ich krieg das einfach alles nicht über Nacht gebacken. Jeden Tag ein neues Hindernis. Etwas neues zu lernen. Umzudenken. Und so weiter.
Ich fürchte ich muss es aufgeben, dass alles an einem Tag umzuwerfen.
Aber eins weiss ich doch mal auf sicher: ich bin definitiv auf Heimatskurs. Richtung Freiheit. Richtung Liebe. Richtung Jesus. Richtung Vater.
Und ich will mich ändern. Ich will wirklich. Ich will einen Willkommensplatz sein. Ein Wohlfühlplatz. Ein Liebesplatz. Authentisch. Echt. Ja, so wie Jesus einfach.
Bei ihm ist alles so schön und einfach und herrlich aber die Menschen sind so endlos kompliziert. Ich hab gemerkt: es gibt so Stufen. Ab und zu ist alles nett und gut zwischen Menschen, weil sie sich gern haben.
Aber wenn sich etwas dazwischen schleicht und jemand seinen eigenen Willen über die Liebe setzt und so weiter, dann fühlt man sich entweder unterdrückt, manipuliert, kontrolliert oder man hat das Gefühl, man muss selbst die Kontrolle an sich reissen. Ächz.
Ach das ist doch doof. Wie soll man das hinkriegen so wie Jesus zu sein? Ah mann! Rette mein armes Herzelein aus den Schlingen dieser Unvernunft und des Irrsinns! Ich find Kontrolle so ätzend und überflüssig.
Und dann hör ich ein Lied und denke dass ich gerne tanzen würde und der nächste Gedanke ist: „das ist für dich und nicht für Gott, also ists nicht gut.“
But I’m a butterfly man, don’t touch me man, I’m free, I show you. I show you, the world I live in.
Weg mit dem Kokoon und auf mit den Flügelchen.
Wie haben die Möglichkeit die Kontrolle loszulassen oder aufhören uns kontrollieren zu lassen.
Proklamiere deine Rechte und flieg davon, kleiner Schmetterling. Diese Welt ist zu gefährlich für deine Flügelchen.
Yes. I do. Sometimes I’m in public. With others. Even among people I like. Even my own family members. The feeling arises: I’m so small. Weak. I feel like standing on the edge of final destruction. My identity and self-picture seems to break among people. Who am I? Am I loved?
Then this almost insane desire to be someone. To be great at something. To accomplish something big. Dream big. Live large. To be someone. To be acknowledged by people and be affirmed.
I was thinking. Again.
When we meet God we’re humbled by His greatness. He’s awesome and big, beautiful and true. Authentic, just and fair. One thing we come to understand pretty soon: He’s too great for us. We can’t live up to His standards. We’re everything else but awesome, big, beautiful, true or just. In fact, sometimes we’re the exact opposite.
I mean, we hardly try. But how often do I hear the christian slogan: „you’re an unworthy sinner. Be happy with it, it’s the truth.“
Man, even if I tried I just can’t be happy with that. I don’t want to be a sinner for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be meaningless and sinful. I want to be someone. Is that wrong?
No.
But how do I accomplish greatness? One is a very lonely number – and if only I am great, am I great at all? Someone will always be greater, smarter, prettier – I mean the world is so large and wide and great. How in the world could I dream being someone special? Insanity crawling in my mind?
No.
It’s God whispering into my soul. I wonder if He defines greatness different than I do. I think we are great, when we’re related to a great God. And we are great when we expose humanity to be the greatest and most wonderful community we could ever imagine. And now: we can be part of that!
Wait! A great and wonderful community? Is this how God would describe the world we live in? Is God just hanging somewhere above the clouds totally missing reality? Did He ever check on what’s going on here? Nuclear bombs, war, hate, guns, death, murder, sexual abuse, racism, depression and illness etc? He should update his reality check, shouldn’t he?
No, He’s pretty aware of what’s going on. He sees reality. He knows what we’re capable of. He knows our potential for destruction. But He’s still excited when He thinks about our potential for construction and creativity.
For God He still hungers to create a great and loving community. Ever expanding in love. Now rethink: and YOU can be part of that! Now if you’re not defined through greatness now, I wonder if you ever will.
Your greatness is measured by the community you create.
The community you’re in.
The relationships you have.
And thank God, through Jesus you’re part of a great family always searching for a potential outcast to be adopted.
It really hit me. I just suffered lately from an unexplainably depressive feeling. What was going on?
It then happened I kind of caught myself in the middle of creating the thoughts that strike me down. I looked at me, imagined in my mind what I could become, what I want to be. I don’t want to be diminshed anymore. I want…more. I want to be more. Then. My mind turned and I saw people. And I found failure. There where no idol among them I could cling to. If I want to be someone else, who will be my idol?
What happened was that I became angry with those people. Rejecting them and their failure. There where not as good as my idol. They actually managed to crawl beneath my idealized picture. The consequence: if they fell short of my idol, they have to fall short of my love.
Then God opened my eyes and my ears again: „I love you.“
Is „you“ singular?
Or is it plural?
It’s plural. Obviously. Ever wondered that we accept people that have failures we do not happen to have? We accept them because, well, we kind of feel better then them. But when it comes to people that reflect our own weaknesses and difficulties that we fight with, we reject them. The dynamic looks like this: look for people who either reflect you in a positive way or who have bad failures that lure you to the thinking you’re better than they are…and reject people that you don’t want to become your reflection. Bad people shall not reflect us. They shall not come near us. But in the end: most of the time they are already in us and we have parts in ourselves we reject because it’s failure we try to avoid.
Well the best example is racism. Obviously a white person is not black. Never will be (if not deciding to have medical intervention). So it’s a perfect hotbed for hatred and rejection. Why?
Because we all have the need to feel good about ourselves and have a good self-picture. This leads us first to idols who reflect ourselves in a good way. There’s nothing bad about that. God is love, beauty and inspiration: and we are meant to reflect him. So the need for a good idol is not essentially condemning.
But constructing a good self-picture always leads to another consequence: exclude those who fall short of your idols. Because including them would mean that you allow yourself to become like them. And destroy your self-picture? Better not.
Your heart is only open for the perfect. Because then your identity must become perfect as well.
Ironically Jesus was the exact opposite of a perfect idol. Yes he was without failure. But he included all the sinners. He hang naked on the cross bearing all their flaws. So this reveals something we might not feel comfortable with: he was in love with even murders. With the outcast. The worst of all people were now included in his love.
Jes. 53,2: „He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.“
Is it possible that Jesus wanted to reflect even the worst of us so that he might come near to just everyone of us? Near to the sinners, to the murders, to the thieves, to everyone who is far from flawless?
Now what is our goal? Well, to become flawless. To be flawless. How do we manage that? We search for those who think like us (in a good way), talk like us, believe like us, even look like us. And people who do not look like the perfect imagination of ourselves, who think different, who talk different, who believe something different, and even might look black when we are white: we reject!
We all have this dynamic going on. It might not be a black tribe we reject. Sometimes we just reject stupidity. Or laziness. Or even pride. We can live with some people who have failure when we either not fear their failure to be a part of our self-identity or when they have weaknesses we might see in ourselves but accepted those weaknesses.
This is all not purely bad. It’s just not enough in God’s eyes. Because His love is ever expanding. Always including. Even for the most wicked of us.
Is it possible God measures perfection at the amplitude of our relationships?
I love the fact that the english word „you“ can be singular and plural both at a time.
So if God says „I love you“ you can rethink about the implication of those three words.
In german it’s either „ich liebe dich“ or „ich liebe euch“.
In english it’s just…I love you.
It includes both. You and them.
Now. Think about the failure you war against. Pride? Laziness? How do you overcome those failures? If you try to overcome with effort, this effort will lead you to exlude prideful and lazy people.
Or do you overcome those failures because God included you with his love? He loves you still.
Now think again about people you feel bad about. May it be that they are stupid, wicked, lazy, aggressive, depressive, psychotic anything…
How do you think God will take care of their wickedness and sinfullness?
He will include them.
Since He is perfect this way He chooses implies that He chooses to be reflected by the wicked.
You know why? Because when even the most wicked is loved. We are all loved.
And when even a murder begins to be included in love and love in return we will have the perfect understanding of God’s character.
So when God tells you that He loves you, guess what that means?
Noone can be excluded.
Because He doesn’t love you because you are flawless. He loves you. Even when you’re a bad character.
So now you can look at everyone and get a feeling of the greatest imagination of communion: you are united with the whole world. With every murder, every religion, every thieve, every freak. You don’t reject them anymore. Your heart explodes. And inside you there is a place created where every kind of people are welcomed. If God included you, even in your sinfullness, what is your right now to exclude?
Everywhere you go, every word you’ll say, every act, every look, every smile, every tear will now send simply one message forward:
„you are loved!“
We are loved.
We are a tribe of the wicked. Now loved. Come to us.
I heard it all before / now I know /I know you/
All the dust makes sense /
I wonder if I’m flattering / Passion calls / I just fly /
No man ever really lives /
A song is playing / I can’t write / But my heart sings / A symphony written long before my time /
I tune in
Love, love it catches me /
Wait a minute is this really me /
Feels I’m out of control /
No new skirt or jewelry /this is real / it’s new / it’s me.
I searched it all along / And now I do / Do know you /
I keep running after truth /
Like a plane before its take off / Breathing / up I go /
No man ever really flies
A song is playing / I can’t write / But my heart sings / A symphony written long before my time /
I tune in
Love, love it catches me /
Wait a minute is this really me /
Feels I’m out of control /
No new skirt or jewelry /this is real / it’s new / it’s me.
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